Intolerance, like the animals off Noah's ark seems to come in twos. Probably why the past week saw two distinctly different expressions of it - in two distinctly different places that only underscored just how similar practitioners of extremist thought are.

First there was the congregation of the Jamiat Ulema-e-Hind in Deoband's Dar-Ul-Uloom seminary - a conclave of thousands of Islamic scholars and clerics from across the country - that produced a slew of resolutions against terror, education (allowing girls to continue studies beyond 10 years but strictly veiled following Sharia laws), politics (rejecting 33 per cent reservations for women in legislatures as "bringing women into the mainstream would cause social problems"), entertainment (calling on youth to shun television and cinema), and AIDS (condoms are the root cause of sexual anarchy, said the resolution).

Of course, it was the endorsement of a 3-year-old fatwa by the Dar-ul-Uloom against the Vande Mataram that got the most coverage. While the reasons for the skew could be debated at a different point, it would be interesting to know just what prompted the entirely gratuitous dredging up of a decade-old debate on the National Song.

After all, forcing anyone to sing a song of any sort at gunpoint is not just ridiculous, it's quite obviously illegal. Stopping anyone from singing it - let alone sending out a rider against it to 140 million people in our country seems equally so.

The Ulema might well have avoided the controversy at this Jamiat, if for no other reason but to spare Home Minister P Chidambaram his blushes the next day, when he came to address the congregation. (Another debate on another day on whether the first Home Minister to attend the Jamiat will also follow this up with other multi-faith engagements, and even whether he should.)

But to return to the most ridiculous part of the Vande Mataram debate - banning all Muslims from singing a song that already had the objectionable stanzas, the overt incantations to Durga etc taken out SIXTY years ago. It was left to Minority Affairs minister Salman Khursheed to put matters in perspective - "During the freedom movement," he said "all national leaders, including leaders of the Jamiat Ulema-i-Hind Hind sat together and resolved that some stanzas of Vande Mataram would be treated as the national song and would be sung voluntarily - why is the issue being reopened now? Does this nation not have enough problems that it needs old ones recreated?"

Then again, re-creating problems tends to be recreational for many of our learned and most wise leaders- and decade after decade, the Vande Mataram controversy rears its head in some form or the other, and a song that is at the end of the day, a song, becomes a polarising ping-pong ball. (Does journalistic full disclosure mean I have to mention my name figures in one of the non-objectionable stanzas?)

At one point - the ridiculous even became the sublime - when the clerics had to choose between endorsing Baba Ramdev who charmed the congregation with his six-pack abs-breathing technique, and having to remind those attending his camps to hold their breath when the Vande Mataram is sung.

The rest of the pageant played to script - within 24 hours we had statements from Pravin Togadia ("denouncing the Vande Mataram is an act of treason"), Praful Goradia said "The real problem was that Islam was anti-woman", so had Vande Mataram been err...Vande Pitaram there would be no problem. The Thackeray Father, Son and Wholly-predictable nephew had their say too - decrying the Maulanas for forcing people not to sing a revered song, a national song.

So if abandoning a National Song makes one "Anti-National", Mr. Thackeray, what does banning a National Language in the State Assembly do? Clearly it was time for the other animal to come out of Noah's ark - in what is now being called the "Maha-Shame of Maharashtra". Newly-elected MLAs pushing, shoving, and abusing a colleague who adamantly (some even accuse Abu Azmi of doing it provocatively) insisted on taking oath in the Maharashtra Assembly in Hindi.

The nation may have been ashamed by the pictures of the attack, but the MLAs are unrepentant, their leader Raj Thackeray unabashed. Within a day the MNS was bolstered by the Shiv Sena, whose stalwarts swarmed Colaba and vandalized Azmi's shoe-store. The less said the better. (And if you live in Mumbai these days, clearly the less said in any language but Marathi, the better).

What makes it even more shameful - that the ruling Congress-NCP government, fresh from a win in the Assembly polls is still as helpless in protecting its citizens (admittedly Abu Azmi's SP workers seem quite capable of protecting him too), as it was when Raj Thackeray's men were thrashing taxi-drivers on the streets of Mumbai some months ago. Four MNS MLAs may have been suspended, but why were they not expelled, and why are leaders openly calling for violence not arrested?

The Shiv Sena's Uddhav Thackeray had a startling solution last week - those who refuse to let others sing the Vande Mataram, he says, must be sent to Pakistan. I wonder if he has any equally convenient destinations for those who refuse to allow others to speak Hindi as well.