Breaking Zoos! The Truth About ZooVision

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The truth about Television is finally out. You've heard it before, mostly in conspiracy theory discussions, that television programming is nothing but a mind control tool devised by corporations to keep audiences glued to channels and fill the gaps between commercial breaks.

You never believed it when that know-it-all neighbour told you that TV programmes, whether soaps, reality shows, the news or even made-for-TV sports, were designed in a special way - a particular coding of colours, a sequence of images, specific notes and pitches of sounds - to enslave the viewing population in a state of mass hypnotism. Well, he was right.

Ever wonder why people couldn't give up watching the fluctuating familial fortunes of the bahu in her in-laws' house, year after year? It was not the twists in the storyline but rather the subliminal mind alteration brought on by the variously coloured sarees. Advertisers grumbled for being associated with such material, but for want of any mind control device of their own had to play along with whatever channels put on air.

And then - realization dawned on the ad world. They discovered the holy grail of mind control. No more vamps doused in glossy make up, nor another sobbing rejection from a reality show, nor even the next item of forever-breaking news to keep you glued long enough till the commercial break started. An advertisement alone was enough to unleash mind control on an unimaginable scale.

How else can you explain the phenomenon of the ZooZoos? Creatures unseen just 2 weeks back are the only thing people want to watch today. Yes, I too am referring to the series of ads that has taken the world of cuteness by storm and left everyone dreamy eyed and speechless, making funny baby noises and hand gestures towards their TV sets. You want to change the channel but your thumb's frozen above the remote control.

"Back to our programme" - and that's when you snap out of your daze. Mind control like it's never been done before. And yet, you can't get enough of it. What next? What next? Nail biting last ball of an IPL match? "Who cares? Finish it already!" scream the audiences, and let us go to ZooZoo time. The strategy behind the strategy break is so crystal clear now.

Rumours abound that the ad community has ordered channels to limit programme time strictly to 10 mins in every hour. Any more scheming by the senile saas on the soap could drive away devoted fans of ZooZoodom. And TV executives are feeling the heat, sweating out the Indian summer as they suffer the paranoid insomnia brought on by Zoos who must not be named.

In fact, advertisers have threatened to unleash ZooZoo TV - designed to make traditional TV irrelevant. Shows dedicated solely to the ever-so-endearing antics of these mind controlling puff balls. 'News at Nine': Newsreader Zoo announces a 1000 point drop in the stock markets - and four Zoos shriek out in laughter. Political news brought to you by Sad Faced Zoo and entertainment news by Toothy Grinned Zoo.

As if the ZooZoo attack wasn't enough, I hear that ZooNews will be followed by the 'New Adventures of Hutch Pug'.