From Uttar Pradesh, with love

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To,

Mr Sanjay Dutt,

C/O Shri Amar Singh,

Samajwadi Party,

Camp Lucknow,

Uttar Pradesh.

From: Uttar Pradesh Residents' Welfare Association

Camp: Lucknow

Dear Sanju Baba,

I am writing to express the gratitude of over 2.5 million Lucknowites who are simply overwhelmed by your decision to serve the people of this squalid state. You may be only the 60,375th politician who has sworn to do so, but I think the city has gone speechless as none have sounded as sincere and genuine as you. I apologise for their silence and volunteer to be their interlocutor.

You first wowed us as Rocky and then again as Munnabhai. Now, we have been told you have gone behind the camera and just canned your first directorial venture. By getting a Union minister to play the lead role, you have truly achieved a first. Your image, Sanju baba, of being a person with an indefatigable appetite for cinema has only been enhanced by this remarkable feat. A pity the censors have blocked the release of this film. We keenly await your maiden directorial blockbuster.

I have just met my family astrologer and he strongly recommends you make an urgent trip to the Siddhivinayak Temple in Mumbai (I am told the deity there is partial to the screen-Gods) and offer one unshelled coconut, two marigold garlands and Rs 11 (discounted rate owing to recession). This is in lieu of Him ensuring fate prevented your political debut in Lucknow and saved you some uncomfortable post-poll blushes.

The Almighty, I am told, has a high-end crystal-ball, where he punches in every bit of our future. My astrologer, being a strong believer of Hindutva and an active member of the BJP district committee, naturally has excellent and intimate links with the Almighty. He often manages some off-record info from Him that we secular types struggle to secure.

It seems God likes you and hence had quietly blocked your candidature to prevent an embarrassing drubbing for you at the hustings on May 16. We are miffed with God for having planned it that way. We will aggressively organise mass yagnas to coax him into changing His mind and punch the assured victory button ASAP. But we are thankful to Him for blessing us with the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the weaponry to make the difference. And just to clarify Sanju baba, this weapon wasn't invented by one Mikhail in Russia. Our weapon is called democracy. What an idea, Sirji!

The state's electorate also wishes to apologise to you for being ignorant about Uttar Pradesh and Lucknow being your own home. I am sure had they known, millions would not have migrated to other states, principally Maharashtra, and added to the workload of our already overburdened elder brother Raj.

I also wish to share with you a fan-mail from Sushila Aunty, my attractive neighbour. She thinks you and Amar Bhaiya make such a lovely jodi...better than even Munna and Circuit...though I confess I am confused about who the Circuit is here. I actually became misty-eyed seeing the two of you together as it reminded me of Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, my only fond memory of a childhood which was spent in Lucknow's acutely deficient infrastructural environment.

Sanju baba, since we are overwhelmed by the genuineness of your decision to work for our state, we have naturally become greedy - bitter that we are that 60,374 other politicians before you did not keep their word. Hence, may we suggest while returning from Siddhivinayak you stop over at Jalsa, our beloved Amitabh bhaiya's residence. He has plenty of experience in serving the state, especially Allahabad. He had even purchased ambulances from his own money. Yet, he got hounded out of the party which fielded him. As you know, he too is a great friend of Amar bhaiya, so getting access should not be difficult for you.

You can also consult Raj Babbarji of Insaaf ka Taraazu fame, who was among the 60,374 leaders who promised to serve us in Lucknow, lost the elections, and then chose to serve and improve Agra. I am sure the Taj City is now sparkling, Amar bhaiya would know for sure. Shatruji, Govinda bhaiya, Vinod Khanna bhai-sahab and Dharam paaji can also be potential advisors on how to serve the country. Sushila Aunty says she is relieved you realise how your graceful and wonderful father's party treated him and have learnt from his experience in politics.

Sorry to push you, but while serving us can you please favourably consider speeding up the literacy levels of the state first? We are about 20-crore strong but 14 crore still can't read or write properly. One possible reason why our children cannot really study well could be no power for about 10 hours each day. You see we need 8,000 MW each day but manage only about 5,000 MW. Could you please do something about that too?

Also Sanju baba, half of us don't get proper drinking water supply and when we search Google for the latest pictures of the lunar surface it throws 120,00,00,00 results of Mainpuri, Bahraich and Gonda's roads, in just 4.6 seconds. And yes, the primary health centres, the local government schools, my area thanedaar, the sanitation offices either don't have a building or don't have the official, unlike the Munna-Circuit jodi which was inseparable.

Very sorry, but while drawing up the menu for serving the nation, can you also include ensuring universities in UP again become places where you study and not learn how to become an MP, get some industrialists to set-up base here (Amar bhaiya owns half of them anyway, so this shouldn't be difficult for you) and get the cities cleaned up a bit?

Sorry for sounding like one, but I am not crazy. My reality just happens to be different from yours. And unlike your films, life here has no background music. And yes, one last advice from Sushila Aunty. She insists before you begin your new innings, you must get plenty of sleep. And be kind to your mind. You will miss it when it's gone. That is what usually happens when we become professional politicos. You see politics is such a roller-coaster most citizens want to throw-up just watching it. We are positive you don't want us to go through that agony!

Do convey our regards to Manyata bhabhi.

With lots of pyaar ki jhappis!

Love,

Uttar Pradesh Residents' Welfare Association,

Lucknow.

PS: In the last 15 years or so, our state, city and neighbourhood have turned increasingly unsafe. There is constant threat of mobs and goons attacking our families and we don't feel safe anymore. Do you advise self-defence as a possible option?