Click to play videoCast: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston, Leo Howard
Direction: Stephen Sommers
Even before you've fully recovered from the assault on your senses that was Transformers 2, here's another mindless action film inspired by a popular Hasbro toy. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is two minutes short of two hours in duration, and in this running time it packs a series of impalings, eye-stabbings and eardrum-shattering explosions. To be honest, it doesn't feel like a film at all, just an extended action scene.
Don't believe me? Here's the plot: In the near future, a high-tech team of globe-trotting crime fighters is pitched against the deadly forces of a slimy Scottish arms dealer, and a dastardly terrorist organization known as the Cobra. Our heroes - the GI Joes - must retrieve a suitcase containing lethal warheads which the Scottish billionaire plans to use for world domination.
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is allegedly directed by Stephen Sommers who gave us the first two Mummy movies, and I say allegedly because there's no evidence whatsoever to suggest that anyone was actually in charge of making this movie.
The writing is puerile and the dialogues seem like they've been inserted in between each action set-piece so there's a moment to breathe before and after every blow-up. The acting is woefully inept as actors like Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller spend most of the time wincing and snarling as they dodge bullets and exploding cars.
There is precisely one scene in this film that can be described as enjoyable and that's the one in which Tatum and Wayans slip into "accelerator suits" that allow them to leap and bounce across a busy freeway, unhurt by all the traffic that's ramming into them and the gunfire that's aimed in their direction.
It's a big, dumb action sequence that ends with the Eiffel Tower collapsing. As ridiculous as it sounds, it's the only bit worth watching in this awful film.
I'm going with one out of five for GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Some toys should remain toys, every toy doesn't deserve a movie.
Rating: 1 / 5 (Poor)
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