Masand's Movie Review: Kambakkht Ishq vulgar, offensive

OFFENSIVE FLICK: Judged purely on screenplay, Kambakkht Ishq spirals downwards in its second half.

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Cast: Akshay Kumar, Kareena Kapoor, Amrita Arora

Director: Sabbir Khan

How much you enjoy Kambakkht Ishq is directly proportionate to just how low your standards have fallen. This battle-of-the-sexes saga starring Akshay Kumar and Kareena Kapoor is a loud, vulgar and seriously offensive film that has reportedly been made at a price of Rs 60 crore. In that much money, you could feed an entire starving nation. And you'd be blessed for it.

I'm not saying the makers of Kambakkht Ishq have no business spending so much money. I'm just saying, if you must spend Rs 60 crore, the least you can do is give us a good film.

Akshay Kumar plays Viraj Shergill, a Hollywood stuntman who beds a new broad every day but loves his bachelor lifestyle too much to settle for anything permanent. He meets his match in Kareena Kapoor who plays Simrita Rai, a medical student-cum-part-time model who hates the very sight of men, convinced they're only interested in women for sex. The two of them clash when their respective best friends decide to tie the knot, but things take an unexpected turn when - believe it or not - Simrita accidently loses her musical watch inside Viraj's body while performing a surgery on him. Mortified that she could be sued for her negligence, she must find a way to get him back on the operation table so she can retrieve the watch. He, on the other hand, can't seem to figure out why his ears keep ringing with a musical chant every hour.

Watching Kambakkht Ishq, you know you can't apply logic to a film like this. There are dozens of questions that have no answers - Who allowed her to keep her watch on while performing surgery? What kind of battery does this watch run on for it to break into music every hour inside a man's stomach? What kind of stuntman can afford a luxurious condo overlooking the sea? Where in the world can you expect to find Sylvester Stallone lurking in alleys waiting to come to the rescue of hapless girls?

I could go on till tomorrow.

The problem with this film isn't that it's ridden with logical loopholes. Those you're even willing to turn a blind eye to, in keeping with the film's screwball nature. What is inexcusable is the consistently crude tone of the film. So while a scene in which a big black female customs officer practically rips through Akshay's backside to search for drugs might still make you laugh, what isn't very funny is a scene in which Akshay farts in Amrita Arora's face for no reason at all. That's just sick.

I also don't see the humor in Akshay and Kareena referring to each other as "dog" and "bitch" repeatedly, and believe me, those are some of the milder profanities they use in the film. Besides, there are innumerable references to sex, virginity and homosexuality, and to be honest many of them just aren't funny. Like the scene in which Akshay tries to set Kareena up with a girl because she's made her dislike for men quite apparent. When Kareena responds that she's not interested in sleeping with either a man or a woman, Akshay is ecstatic at the mystery he believes he's just solved - "Virgin! You're a virgin," he taunts her.

What's so funny, you ask.

I want to add here that slapping a woman is just wrong, and using that as comedy is plain offensive. In more scenes than one, Akshay Kumar physically abuses female characters - including one in which he slaps Amrita Arora across her face four times. I don't care that Amrita Arora probably deserves some kind of punishment for her lousy acting, but I'm sorry Akshay, real men don't raise their hands on women. Even as a joke.