SOTN: A marriage made in India, built to last

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Indians have faith in marriage; they trust their partners but they would rather have a happy divorce than a bitter marriage, says CNN-IBN’s annual State of the Nation Survey.

The survey, conducted by the Centre for the Study of Developing Societies (CSDS) in association with CNN-IBN and DNA newspaper, found that 87 per cent Indians feel that life is incomplete without marriage. As many as 76 per cent single people in metros believe in marriage.

As many as 9 per cent people say that life can be complete without marriage; 19 per cent single people in metros have the same opinion.

As many as 48 per cent urban Indians favour divorce if a couple is incompatible, but interestingly 69 them feel marital infidelity is not the end of a marriage.

The idea of pre-marital sex has a higher acceptance among young metro men—32 per cent say it’s acceptable—and 22 per cent old small town women find it acceptable.

What does the survey tell about the Indian family? Is urban India more accepting of divorce? What is the great Indian urban family all about and what are its values?

CNN-IBN’s Anubha Bhonsle asked this on the State of the Nation debate to Pavan Kumar Varma, writer and director general of the Indian Council for Cultural Relations, Poornima Advani, former chairperson of the National Commission for Women, actress Yukta Mookhey and Bharatanatyam dancer Pratibha Prahlad.

Indians' faith in marriage reflects their faith in values, said Varma. “Marriage is an institution which is there to stay in any society. India needs to stand by the values. There is something called sanskar (values) and it is still alive in India though it may have been lost in the metropolises. All gods, at least in Hindu mythology, have consorts. Marriage is an ingrained concept in Indian philosophy,” he said.

Prahlad doesn’t believe that marriage is a necessity and said the ideal marriage mythology speaks about happens only when there is total commitment among the partners.

Why does the Indian society put such pressure in getting married and doing that at the ‘right age’? As many as 25 per cent urban Indians feel girls should get married after 18 and just one per cent urban Indians feel girls should marry after 30.

“Life is incomplete without marriage but there is no right age for it. Marriage means trust, faith and care,” said Advani.

Prahlad believed the ideal marriage would be with a person you loved but not everybody is in that kind of comfortable situation. “There are other models and paradigms and you can have a beautiful and fulfilling relationship outside marriage,” she said.

As many as two per cent Indians feel men should get married after 30. Would that age make men more accommodating and respectful to women?

Mookhey believed men of her generation had become more sensitive. “I believe men have become more responsible and more faithful in the institution of marriage. Only women would adjust in marriage and they would end up making it work. I think now the paradigm has completely changed,” she said.

Accepting divorce

As many as 48 per cent urban Indians favour divorce if a couple is incompatible, but interestingly 69 them feel marital infidelity is not the end of a marriage. What does it say about Indian family values?

“You don’t stop driving because you met with an accident. You don’t stop eating sugar because of diabetes. In any institution there could be deviations,” said Varma.

“I believe divorces have become common primarily because women have become more assertive for their rights. They are more aware of their sexuality. They are more aware of their needs and they more economically empowered. Taken together it means the earlier certitudes of a relationship are under interrogation. Men have to do much more to keep a marriage going,” he said.

Would morals in the current Indian society help in saving a marriage? The panel agreed they would.

“Morals are important but as important is the comfort zone of a happy marriage. That is what prevents infidelity,” said Varma.

(Survey methodology: The CSDS team went to 288 locations in 72 cities spread across 18 states. There were 4,019 respondents of which 53 per cent were men, and 47 per cent women. )

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